Gap vs. Gain/Reframing Pt. 2: Electric Boogaloo
Retrain yourself to recognize your wins, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Small wins matter.
We’re so pleased that our first post on reframing and gap vs. gain got such a response—one author emailed to let us know she was taking our advice and using reframing when thinking about the past few years. Another reader let us know she’d read the article 4+ times and was finding something different with each reread. Look at y’all, working hard on yourselves. We’re so proud of you!
Quick recap from the first post: [Reframing is…] Finding a different perspective to consider something—an event, something that happened to you, something you did, etc.—in a new light; one that serves you.
When considering “gain” over “gap”, you’ll frame your thoughts to focus on what you gained instead of the gap between what you wanted to achieve and what you did accomplish.
“Does this mean everything that doesn’t go right in your life can be reframed in a neutral or positive way?”
Awful things can, and do, happen. And I personally believe a lot of the benefit from reframing comes from looking back on what happened, maybe not as much as doing it while it’s happening, if that makes sense? Let yourself feel—those feelings are valid.
You’re allowed to be angry or frustrated, especially in the moment when something isn’t going right. Like, if your phone fell in the toilet, I don’t expect you to suddenly think, “Oh, well, at least I have an excuse not to take calls from my nosy neighbor.” No, you’re gonna see red, fume about the cost of a replacement (or…disinfecting it?), worry about messages you might be missing, etc. See what I mean?
But that’s not to say there aren’t any valuable tools you can’t use to help you process something more in the moment, but that’s beyond the scope of this article. One last nugget before we move on—in the worst situations, it’s helpful to find something you can control, even if it’s just your reaction.
“Can you give us another example of reframing and gap vs. gain?”
Sure can! Rashad Reviews published his latest book, and, despite it having a great cover and being professionally edited, someone left a 1-star review. Rashad does the right thing—he backs away from the keyboard and just mumbles curses under his breath.
Later, after a strong cup of “coffee”, he reminds himself, “When a reader leaves a review, it’s for other readers, not the author. And I must have made that person feel something strong enough to actually leave a review, which very few readers do anyway. Besides, most of the reviews I’ve gotten over my career have been positive, and every author gets 1 and 2-star ones eventually. I’m going to think of this as a rite of passage.”
“Ooh, that’s helpful! How about another one?”
I’m here to please, of course. Idris Indieauthor is a stay-at-home dad for twin toddlers while he writes the next novel in his series. But between picky eating, sleep deprivation, and waaay too many bodily fluids (all while keeping up with household chores and maintaining a loving relationship with his spouse), the writing isn’t going as well—or, more accurately, as quickly—as Idris would prefer.
When he has a (rare) spare minute, Idris takes a deep breath and reframes his experience: “This stage of childhood is challenging, but it doesn’t last forever, and I’m sure I’ll miss it as much as I’ll be glad it’s moved on. Maybe we can look into daycare a few days a week, and I can get a good work routine going. I’m glad to be there for them in the meantime. My work will still be there, and my readers have been mostly understanding.”
And instead of setting a daily or weekly goal for writing—and beating himself up for not getting 100 or 1000 words a day—Idris also shifts to recognizing how many words he has written in the manuscript. This helps him enjoy watching his story grow like his toddlers.
“Any other advice, especially for when it feels impossible to reframe something or when the gap is more obvious than the gain?”
When things feel like too much, I’d recommend journaling. Get a notebook (you’re a writer, you have notebooks…no, don’t make that face; you can spare ONE, you hoarder…) and jot your thoughts and feelings down, give them somewhere else to live. You don’t have to make it pretty, or polite, or edit it; heck, it doesn’t even need to make sense. The journaling may be enough on its own, but if it’s not, consider rereading your journal entry after some time’s passed and see if your feelings have changed, or if you have a different perspective about whatever it was.
I’d also suggest finding a professional to talk to—one of the most valuable things therapists or counselors do is teach you how to use the right tools for you. Teach someone to fish, and all that.
One tool you can make part of your daily life is to identify one thing you did well that day. Even if it’s just brushing your teeth. Retrain yourself to recognize your wins, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Small wins matter.
“Any last-minute gems?”
Yup—your brain’s evolutionary job is to keep you alive, not to make you happy. It perceives threats—be it a bad review, or a lion chasing you—as the same, whether it makes sense or not, which is why we might have fight, flight, or freeze responses to seemingly innocuous things.
Keeping this in mind and taking a step back to refocus, reset, and reframe can be so valuable. Don’t worry—you’ve got this, and you’re not alone in experiencing these challenges.
I hope we provided some clarification. And if we didn’t hit on something you wanted to know, just reply to this post with any questions or comments.
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